Facebook post:
I'm going to keep talking about my menopause experiences. As this all first started I couldn't believe what a disruption it's been to my life yet how little talk there is out there about it even though over half the world's population goes through it themselves and most of the other half will be effected as they try to help support someone they love go through it. As it's progressed, I've realize why there is relatively such little talk: embarrassment. Some of this is fucking embarrassing. I used to feel strong and very grounded, peaceful inside. Now I feel a mess and hate how often I wear a mask or hide in my hole for fear of letting the people around me see what is actually going on with me at any given moment of rollercoaster. And that doesn't even touch on some of the physical things that will happen later that will make the women gasp to find out about, let-alone the men.
So, I'm embarrassed, and that's why I'm going to keep talking about it.
A pre-menopause morning:
There is a core in me that is still "me", and sometimes that me is strong and loud and all I am and feel. That is the me I recognize, the me I want to be for me, the me I want to be as I participate in the world with you all. That me got right out of bed this morning, got dressed, and is ready to go to work and rock it; that me has plans to do some good work today, and then have a great evening working out and spending time with my lovely husband.
Then there is this other "me" that keeps showing up. Its like my hormones got together with the pit of my stomach, a small but very loud portion of my brain, and the outer-most 2 inches of my body all the way around, and decided to be a different me. That me feels physical and mental anxiety when everything in my life is otherwise peachy. It feels shaky, unfocused, insecure, and unsafe. That me requires most of my mental energy to keep in check when she shows up. That me wanted to hide under the covers this morning, wanted to ask my husband to please just hug me and pet my hair and tell me all the reasons he loves me and that everything will be ok; that me has felt physically shaky and nauseous all morning. That me has mentally circled back over and over all morning to negative thought patterns, obsessing over things in the past or that I have no control over. That me wants to cry right now. That me loathes the idea of going to work and spending all day trying to be quiet and hold perfectly still so no one sees me under the mask I'll wear.
Meanwhile the other me is in there screaming at the top of my mental lungs, "What the fuck do you think you're doing? Who the fuck are you being??? Stop this and go get living life! What do you mean 'I can't stop?' Fuck you, go away!"
I'm trying hard to just open and accept this all for what it is, be where I'm at and don't fight it, accpet the feelings and emotions when they come, and to love myself through all of this. But our society isn't one that excuses women from their lives just because they are hitting The Change, nor is it one that is very comfortable with a cubicle-farm worker sitting at her desk crying off and on all day in view of all the other cubicle-farm workers. Maybe I just need my own office until this is done. I'm only sort of joking.
That other me isn't always here; that other me has been here far less now that I've got a doctor that believes me and isn't just shoving Zoloft at me. However as my hormone levels keep changing, I have to chase the correct level of hormone cream to use.
Some days are great, some days that other me only shows up for a little while. Some days I can make that other me go away with something as simple as a phone call from a best friend, or a nap. I'm hoping today is one of those days.
I'm also thinking its time to adjust my dosage. Ring ring, oh Doctor?!
Women - add this to the list of intensities we live during our lives because we get to bear the children.
Men - be extra nice to the women in your life who might be going through this shit. Hug them a lot; forgive them a lot. They don't want it to be like this either.
PS - to those of you who haven't yet experienced this, take heart that every woman's trip down menopause lane is different. Listen to all the stories but know that not ALL of what you hear others go through will be on your personal list of joys to experience. You get your very own personalized trip to figure out as you go. Aren't you excited?
- M.S.: Like Sharon said, you are not going through this alone. And I despite the fact that I seem to announce everytime I have a hot flash, I really, REALLY get that feeling of embarrassment. I also feel gobsmacked at the fact that my body is aging and changing in ways I had never really anticipated.
- F.E. That was exactly me before my hysterectomy and I continue to struggle with at in waves since, but being on HRT helps. The creams just never were enough for me. I have an estrogen patch and I take testosterone pills which still aren't necessarily the right dose. It is a constand trying to figure it out. Hang in there...we will make it out the other side.
- P.P.: I appreciate you sharing your experience a lot. Being raised by wolves and all, the she-wolf is completely tight lipped about anything woman related. I know that my mom has gone through menopause only because I've noticed that she no longer stocks tampons in her bathroom drawers. I went through puberty completely blindfolded and found out about sex through french lit. It's comforting to know that there are ladies in my community I can turn to, so thank you again for sharing and opening up this topic.
- S.C.:In many ways this time of life should be when you are hitting your stride. If you have kids--they are probably getting older or moving out, your career may be relatively developed, you should be pretty confident in your skin etc. Then you get hit by this hormonal roller coaster which turns you on your ass and makes you doubt everthing! And the sleep disruption is like the cruel icing on the cake. I'm kinda mad about it actually. Like I've been busting my ass to get here--only to go crazy now?? Fuck off!
- L.N.:I hate menopause, I hate feeling like a yoyo, I hate the feeling of mortality which I keenly feel most of the time. You know we live in a world where there is an industry devoted to women not aging , not being fat, not having grey hair. In no way does this help women. It is this constant message, I get really overwhelmed by it. I have/had this idea in my head that I'm kinda bad ass and can handle anything (my life has taught me this) but, the internal dialog is too rough. Thanks for the posting the unspoken. Sending estrogen fill candy your way.
- M.S.: Though going through my mid-forties (as a man) was hell on my psyche also: clinical depression & a host of issues that are very complex - questions about sex & drive - near full reliance on pecker-uppers to make me feel like a man. All this while my partner was/is going through her own change. Getting old is not for the faint of heart!
- C.B.: Another reason why female managers help make life easier for women employees. My mom was a manager, and she tells of one meeting with three women and a man. She noticed the women getting flushed and so was she, even though it was a pretty normal, friendly meeting. She said, "are we all having hot flashes?" And they all got to be open about their feelings and flushed body language.
- Y.S.: Thank you!!! The difficulties that are peri-menopause are rarely talked about and have wreaked havoc on my life as well. Even the mystical oracle of interwebz is low on info about the true nature of this awkward spectacle we experience. The emotional aspects are more challenging than the physical even though sometimes the physical parts keep me from everyday activities. I suffer from emo rage where I am crying one minute and wanna choke-slap someone the next. I have never been this angry person and I really don't know who I am lately. Social anxiety has crept in too! I hate the self doubt and lack of confidence I am experiencing. I also despise not knowing when my cycle will hit, for how long, or how intense. The flashes have been minimal since I've been taking black cohosh.
- Self care has been challenging and I just want to be held and petted while I eat dark chocolate and drink red wine. I've noticed cannabis helps, too. A doctor friend of mine is doing a research project on it.
- E.V.W.: My dear - you are such a courageous warrior! No one believed me when I started on this journey ten years ago, but I knew what was happening as I started grad school while working full time, attended TBEITD for the first time, and my white-picket fence life exploded in love and dissolved in doctorate, divorce, and depression. Dr. Northrup's book The Wisdom of Menopause was my only support and touchstone. I often refer to all this as going thru puberty backwards, losing all the trappings of growing up to embrace the power of growing down into a forgotten freedom.
- I.B.: Thank you so much for your menopause posts. I've been dreading it since watching my mother go through it over thirty years ago, when it was so bad she became extremely religious, to my horror.
- I have asked my sisters who are 15 years ahead of me, but only receive cringing, "you'll see!" responses.
- Knowledge is power, but no, I'm not excited.
- D.K.: I'm coming out the other side of all of this and reading what you've written I realize a lot of what I was going through I did not recognize as peri-menopausal symptoms. It's really a good thing for you to put this out there so openly. Thank you.
J.B.: I know exactly how you feel to a T. I thought I could fight it or make it go away, even ignore it, but this is Me now and I have to accept that. I have a good doctor and I'm not afraid to go to her to take some of the edge off of the anxiety, the lack of sex drive/motivation, and just deal with the general slings and arrows of getting older. In a world that reveres carefree youth so much it is tough to watch gravity take over my body, my energy diminish, and this angry bitch who doesn't want to do anything emerge.- The drugs help calm the anxiety, the motorcycle helps me feel accomplished, and being gentle and understanding with myself helps for my overall well being. But nothing stops The Change and it's time for me to accept and incorporate.
- R.P.: Not much to say from way over here on the other side of the line except, "nobody asked". Just like with depression it is so good that you and others are talking about this life phase change. We had practically zero knowledge of what was happening or that it was happening to so many of our friends. I remember going through this with [my wife] and we were so blind, and we could have avoided so much pain had we known.
- N.E.: It's great that you're opening the conversation Susanne! I started in my mid-30s and peaked in mid-40s, to the point of losing a job. And I worked with mostly women who had already been through it, but had very little to say. If only there had been some real, honest conversation - not even doctors were helpful! One thing I've learned - get thyroid levels checked & don't let them just tell you the results are "normal", because there's disagreement about what the normal range is.
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