So, I did something stoooopid about a month and a half ago. I ran out of my hormone cream. I realized what I'd done on a Friday night when I didn't have enough for that night's dose. At the time, the only place I knew to get it was at my doc's, so I planned to call Monday and order some. And then forgot. Until Tuesday afternoon after their mail went out. So it ended up being one full week I went without.
During that week I felt ok, not too bad. Some jitters. Did I mention that week I went without was the week prior to my period? Had I been paying attention to that, I might have made other choices about where I went that weekend. Because even though I was back on the cream by the weekend, I was a MESS by then.
That next weekend was a long holiday weekend that Andrew and I extended even further so we could make the trek northwest from Seattle to Tofino for a friend's birthday celebration. The drive was beautiful, the location amazing, and there was such a lovely group of dearly loved friends, many of whom I rarely get to see. Perfect trip, right? Aaaaaaaand the hormones say NO!
The whole weekend was so difficult. I was surrounded by friends that usually tap into my soul, and that I feel so comfortable and safe with that all my walls drop when I'm around them. Except this time I felt vulnerable, misunderstood, and like I had to wear a mask the whole time. The few times the mask slipped, I was horrified to listen to what came out of my mouth, and to see the looks on people's faces.
Afterwards I spent a lot of time being embarrassed about the moments the mask slipped. But once that mellowed, I spent a lot of time thinking about why I feel I have to wear a mask in the first place? Why do I feel vulnerable in an unsafe way with people that love me and want me safe? Friends tell me "It's ok!" when I tell them I'm emotional, they tell me "Its ok!" when I say I'm a mess right now. But it never actually feels ok. Why doesn't it feel ok? Why can't I just be myself, be honest about where I am right now, and let them catch me when I fall?
The mask slipped on this trip really good at one point, and I realize my answer to Why? could be seen in my friend's face right at that moment. What he said was meant as a compliment; he just wanted to give me some nice words that would feel good to hear. And that was so lovely of him. But they backfired, and hit my and my husband's ears like assumptions that minimized what I've been going through. On my own I think I would have just mumbled an "Uh-hm." and tried to fade away from the group back into the tall sea-grass between the beach and cabins, where I could hover and hear the conversations but not be seen nor expected to participate, as I had done the previous evenings when the call was made for everyone to circle up around the fire for an evening group-centering. But my husband was beside me and heard the comment, and reacted with words that didn't hide his annoyance and anger at the comment to me. Hearing my husband's words was like someone swinging wide open a gate I'm constantly having trouble managing. I turned to my friend, let the mask slip off, and let him see how I really felt, instead of hiding it. With an angry face I told him there was so much assumption in what he'd just said, and it was wrong. He tried to apologize, and I put my hand in his chest and pushed him away, saying, "Disengage with me." I was too tied up about it that I couldn't go back and talk to him about it before we left the next morning.
It really doesn't matter what he said. (It does matter how it made me feel, because it was a good lesson, but that part will come later.) What matters right now was the look on his face, and how much it effected him for quite a while after. He looked horrified, and taken completely off guard. He didn't understand what had just gone wrong, didn't understand why I'd react that way to his well-meant words, why they had caused hurt worthy of my reaction. His mood was noticeably effected into the next day.
So, there is my answer. I wear the mask because no matter how many times people around me tell me "It's ok!" I know that they only say that because they don't actually know. If I let myself show others what is going on in my head on days I'm out of balance, most of them aren't prepared for it. Most of them would either be hurt, or simply be not interested in being around me at those times. And I don't blame them at all for it; when I'm a mess, I'm really quite a messy volcano of emotions that seem to others to come from nowhere. I don't like being around me either.
I suspect that the heart of it is that menopause is different for every woman; so even if we did talk about it all the time, even if it was more a part of main stream discussions and knowledge, that doesn't mean that someone would know what to expect of me, without a specific personal report. "Hi, I'm Susanne, and here are MY menopausal symptoms. Today I am having social anxiety, so please let me sit in the corner, participating when I want to but being ignored the rest of the time." Who wants to spend the years this process takes being that high-maintenance girl?
Now, back to how my friend's comment made me feel. My lovely friend was trying to compliment me to help me feel a little more confident. However he chose a subject for the intended-boost that happens to not be my particular issue. I don't fault him at all, it was a reasonable assumption for someone who has supported at least one other woman into menopause, and for someone guessing at the reasons for some of my other actions that weekend. But he was wrong, and in response I felt misunderstood, and like what I have been going through was being marginalized. (I can't stress enough that I know that wasn't his intention)
The first thing I'm working on because of all this is - what does that reaction tell me? Is it important that everyone around me understand? Is that a reasonable prospect? If no, then what - is there a way to manage this all so I don't have to choose between wearing a mask all the time, losing friends to perimenopause, or having to explain to everyone I see exactly where I am at today?
So then the other thing I'm working on because of all this is - how can I manage my head even when I'm messy? How do I learn to be honest with the people around me without letting my emotions crash down on their heads?
*sigh*
Where is the guide book for this??
