When we're messy.

So, I did something stoooopid about a month and a half ago.  I ran out of my hormone cream.  I realized what I'd done on a Friday night when I didn't have enough for that night's dose.  At the time, the only place I knew to get it was at my doc's, so I planned to call Monday and order some.  And then forgot.  Until Tuesday afternoon after their mail went out.  So it ended up being one full week I went without.

During that week I felt ok, not too bad.  Some jitters.  Did I mention that week I went without was the week prior to my period?  Had I been paying attention to that, I might have made other choices about where I went that weekend.  Because even though I was back on the cream by the weekend, I was a MESS by then.

That next weekend was a long holiday weekend that Andrew and I extended even further so we could make the trek northwest from Seattle to Tofino for a friend's birthday celebration.  The drive was beautiful, the location amazing, and there was such a lovely group of dearly loved friends, many of whom I rarely get to see.  Perfect trip, right?  Aaaaaaaand the hormones say NO!

The whole weekend was so difficult.  I was surrounded by friends that usually tap into my soul, and that I feel so comfortable and safe with that all my walls drop when I'm around them.  Except this time I felt vulnerable, misunderstood, and like I had to wear a mask the whole time.  The few times the mask slipped, I was horrified to listen to what came out of my mouth, and to see the looks on people's faces.

Afterwards I spent a lot of time being embarrassed about the moments the mask slipped.  But once that mellowed, I spent a lot of time thinking about why I feel I have to wear a mask in the first place?  Why do I feel vulnerable in an unsafe way with people that love me and want me safe?  Friends tell me "It's ok!" when I tell them I'm emotional, they tell me "Its ok!" when I say I'm a mess right now.  But it never actually feels ok.  Why doesn't it feel ok?  Why can't I just be myself, be honest about where I am right now, and let them catch me when I fall?

The mask slipped on this trip really good at one point, and I realize my answer to Why? could be seen in my friend's face right at that moment.  What he said was meant as a compliment; he just wanted to give me some nice words that would feel good to hear. And that was so lovely of him.  But they backfired, and hit my and my husband's ears like assumptions that minimized what I've been going through.  On my own I think I would have just mumbled an "Uh-hm." and tried to fade away from the group back into the tall sea-grass between the beach and cabins, where I could hover and hear the conversations but not be seen nor expected to participate, as I had done the previous evenings when the call was made for everyone to circle up around the fire for an evening group-centering.  But my husband was beside me and heard the comment, and reacted with words that didn't hide his annoyance and anger at the comment to me.  Hearing my husband's words was like someone swinging wide open a gate I'm constantly having trouble managing.  I turned to my friend, let the mask slip off, and let him see how I really felt, instead of hiding it.  With an angry face I told him there was so much assumption in what he'd just said, and it was wrong.  He tried to apologize, and I put my hand in his chest and pushed him away, saying, "Disengage with me."  I was too tied up about it that I couldn't go back and talk to him about it before we left the next morning.

It really doesn't matter what he said.  (It does matter how it made me feel, because it was a good lesson, but that part will come later.)  What matters right now was the look on his face, and how much it effected him for quite a while after.  He looked horrified, and taken completely off guard.  He didn't understand what had just gone wrong, didn't understand why I'd react that way to his well-meant words, why they had caused hurt worthy of my reaction.  His mood was noticeably effected into the next day.

So, there is my answer.  I wear the mask because no matter how many times people around me tell me "It's ok!" I know that they only say that because they don't actually know.  If I let myself show others what is going on in my head on days I'm out of balance, most of them aren't prepared for it. Most of them would either be hurt, or simply be not interested in being around me at those times.  And I don't blame them at all for it; when I'm a mess, I'm really quite a messy volcano of emotions that seem to others to come from nowhere.  I don't like being around me either.

I suspect that the heart of it is that menopause is different for every woman; so even if we did talk about it all the time, even if it was more a part of main stream discussions and knowledge, that doesn't mean that someone would know what to expect of me, without a specific personal report.  "Hi, I'm Susanne, and here are MY menopausal symptoms.  Today I am having social anxiety, so please let me sit in the corner, participating when I want to but being ignored the rest of the time."  Who wants to spend the years this process takes being that high-maintenance girl?

Now, back to how my friend's comment made me feel.  My lovely friend was trying to compliment me to help me feel a little more confident.  However he chose a subject for the intended-boost that happens to not be my particular issue.  I don't fault him at all, it was a reasonable assumption for someone who has supported at least one other woman into menopause, and for someone guessing at the reasons for some of my other actions that weekend.  But he was wrong, and in response I felt misunderstood, and like what I have been going through was being marginalized.  (I can't stress enough that I know that wasn't his intention)

The first thing I'm working on because of all this is - what does that reaction tell me?  Is it important that everyone around me understand?  Is that a reasonable prospect?  If no, then what - is there a way to manage this all so I don't have to choose between wearing a mask all the time, losing friends to perimenopause, or having to explain to everyone I see exactly where I am at today?

So then the other thing I'm working on because of all this is - how can I manage my head even when I'm messy?  How do I learn to be honest with the people around me without letting my emotions crash down on their heads?

*sigh*

Where is the guide book for this??

Food Research

So I decided to do a little research into "natural" ways to increase my progesterone - ways that involve a change of diet or lifestyle vs. simply taking hormone replacements of some sort.  My research was specifically on dealing with low progesterone and too much estrogen.

If I understand what I've read so far, there aren't foods that *contain* progesterone; however there are foods that trigger your body to want to produce more of certain hormones, and there are certain things your body needs enough of to make those hormones and then process them out later. So when people talk about using diet to help with the hormone balance, its about focusing on the foods that promote production of the hormone you're lacking, avoiding those that promote the hormone of which you don't need more, and making sure your body has plenty of the building blocks it uses to make those hormones.

One thing to mention is that the information that I found about helping your body with certain hormone levels with food and herbs is that it wasn't geared towards peri/menopausal woman; there are various reasons people want to influence their hormone levels, be it wanting pregnancy, easier cycles, etc. Talking with my doctor, he agreed that its a hard thing to say "this will help your body produce normal levels" when this time in our lives is all about 'normal levels' changing to something new.  So take that into consideration when you set your expectations on how much this course of action may or may not help you.

With all that in mind:

Food:
There are things called plant sterols, and certain ones promote progesterone production.  Raw nuts and seeds, and avocados all are great sources of these specific plant sterols.  The key is to eat this food raw to gain the most benefit.

Supplements:
Zinc, Magnesium, B-6, and Vitamin C all play important rolls in progesterone production.

• Foods high in zinc: shellfish, wheatgerm, pumpkin, squash seeds, dark chocolate, chickpeas, veal liver, lean red meat, and watermelon.
• Foods high in magnesium: whole grain cereals, halibut, spinach, black beans, okra, nuts, squash seeds, and raw plantain.
• Foods high in B-6: whole grains, bananas, poultry, seafood, walnuts, spinach, lean read meat, potatoes, beans, fortified cereals, avocados, and tomatoes.
• Foods high in Vitamin C: bell peppers, dark leafy greens, kiwis, broccoli, berries, citrus fruit, tomatoes, papayas, and peas.

Herbs:
Chasteberry herb stimulates the pituitary gland leading to more of the chemical that tells the ovaries to make progesterone.
If you're trying to combat low progesterone levels, high estrogen levels is also part of the issue, and these herbs should thus be avoided: blue cohosh, black cohosh, dong quai, hops, lavender, licorice, rhodiola rose root, saw palmetto berry, red clover blossom, motherword leaf, and tea tree oil.


Stress:
I'll bet you already know that stress, especially prolongs stress, is hard on the body; maybe like me you didn't know it has a direct effect on progesterone levels. When we're under stress our body uses a lot more cortisol than otherwise; our adrenal gland can't keep up, so our body will start looking elsewhere for its cortisol.  One of the places it gets it is by grabbing our progesterone and converting it into cortisol, leaving us depleted of progesterone.  Of course "avoid stress" is a pretty difficult bit of advice for most of us, but hopefully women experiencing these things can find a little more time to de-stress and do self-love/self-care regularly.  (Korean spa date, anyone?)


Here are the links I gathered my information from; there is more detailed explanations throughout:
http://www.herinterest.com/natural-ways-to-increase-progesterone/
http://youqueen.com/life/health/top-7-natural-ways-to-increase-progesterone/
http://www.livestrong.com/article/539170-foods-that-naturally-increase-progesterone/
http://www.wikihow.com/Increase-Progesterone-Levels

Definitions

Someone asked me the other day what the difference are between the 3 stages of menopause that they've heard people talk about, and I couldn't answer.  So I decided to go out and get some definitions for us.  Now, frankly I'm never a fan of blogs and other internet sites regurgitating information they found on a different website - I hate thinking I've found several sources of information only to realize they all just copied their info word for word from the same source.  However I came across one site that laid it out much better than all the other sourced I found, and in a way that wouldn't be improved by my rewriting it, AND they included 4 stages, differentiating between premenopause and perimenopause (I've always wondered if they mean different things, or one was just a more sophisticated word for the same thing).

So, here you go, from www.34-menopause-symptoms.com:

Premenopause

Premenopause can be broadly defined as the entire period of your life before menopause. Your periods during this time usually occur regularly, though almost all women experience exceptions at some point in their lives. You're able to bear children, and sex hormones like estrogen and progesterone are at stable levels. Women typically begin to transition out of this stage in their early- to mid-40's. Most women experience the following symptoms during this stage:

•  Cramps
•  Anxiety
•  Mood swings
•  Irritability
•  Nausea

These symptoms usually occur due to the hormonal fluctuations that are tied to the monthly menstrual cycle. Many women experience premenstrual syndrome (PMS) in the days or weeks preceding their period.

Perimenopause

Perimenopause is the phase in which ovulation and fertility begin to slowly wind down. Your hormonal levels decline and you may experience some rather unpleasant symptoms. Some of the most common perimenopausal symptoms include:

•  Mood swings
•  Hot flashes
•  Night sweats
•  Vaginal dryness
•  Irregular periods
•  Loss of libido

Knowing exactly when perimenopause has begun can be difficult. One of the most common early warning signs, however, is irregular periods. As you progress further into this stage, your periods will begin to taper off before ending entirely. This is because perimenopause is the stage in which hormone levels are fluctuating the most in order to prepare the body for the menopause transition.

Menopause

Once you have spent a year without menstruating, you have officially entered into menopause. Many of the symptoms from perimenopause, women may experience during menopause. These include: hot flashes, night sweats, irregular periods, and loss of libido; these symptoms occur as a result of lowered hormonal production. In other words, though hormone levels are no longer fluctuating drastically, they are overall lower than during perimenopause.

Postmenopause

The years of your life following menopause – postmenopause – is typically a time when symptoms begin to subside – the result of hormonal levels stabilizing in the body. That being said, women in this stage are at a higher risk of certain health conditions, including: breast cancer, urinary tract infections, osteoporosis, and insomnia. This is because of an estrogen deficiency, which occurs as a result of the decline in hormone production. With less estrogen circulating in the bloodstream, some of the body's functions aren't as well regulated.

And there you have it.  Knowledge is power!

The Jitters.

I'm sitting here at my desk, working away, and the jitters have started. It's this weird thing for me where it's like an anxiety attack without the mental part, just the physical, all crossed with that feeling you might feel the morning after a rave (hellooo 90's!) when you're ready to sleep but the night before hasn't worn all the way off yet.

My stomach gets full of butterflies, I feel surges of energy run through me, and I can't focus enough to do more than 2 things in a row without - oh pretty! (getting immediately sidetracked).  Basically my whole insides feel fluttery and loose, and a bit sketchy.

Usually I have to get up and walk around and try to somewhat literally shake it off. I shake my arms out, as if I can shake the extra energy stuck in me out and off my arms. Sometimes it works. Sometimes I just leave work early and make it up the next day.

This does NOT make it easy to work an 8-10 hour cubicle farm desk job. 

What the Doctor Said.

These first few entries are copied from Facebook and emails in an effort to keep the thought stream together.  I've left the comments that I think specifically add to the discussion, and substituted initials for names.  If you recognize a comment of yours and don't want it here, please let me know and I'll remove it asap.

Facebook post:

I've gotten a lot of feedback and advice following my last few menopause-related posts. I loved the reach-out from people, but realized that there are different rides women take, depending how things go in their bodies, and I thought that instead of writing each of you back to say 'yes that would work for me' or 'that wouldn't work for me because' or 'doc and I already talked about that' or whatever, I'd put together a post with what I've been told about what's going on, and specifically what I'm doing for it, for those interested. Some of this I may have covered already, but I assume if you do read all the way through this then you're likely someone who will forgive me for it.

Here is what I came away with from my Doctor:

The doctor drew me a little graph showing how both estrogen and progesterone levels go up and back down during a woman's normal cycle, each having their own time that they peak and drop. Eventually peri-menopause starts, and a woman's body starts to produce less and less of these hormones. However nothing ties their production together, so production of one may start to taper off prior to the other.

When a woman's estrogen production starts to drop, that lets us know that the ovaries are heading towards retirement, and the big obvious sign of that is our menstruation schedule gets wonky.

When a woman's progesterone production start to drop, there is no sign as obvious as a late period, however there are signs if you know what to look for, and that has to do with how progesterone and estrogen interact. One of the things most noticeable to us is that it calms down the emotional rollercoasters that come with lots of estrogen. So when a woman's estrogen levels are still in normal production but progesterone isn't being produced in the same amounts, its like being a 13 year old girl again - all the crazy emotional energy and anxiety washing over our brain but without enough progesterone to balance it out and help us feel the way we've been used to feeling in our brains since we finally kicked puberty.

So, that's my personal issue - progesterone production is dropping but my estrogen levels are still what they've been. So I still get my period every month like clockwork, but my brain often feels out of control emotionally because I'm awash in estrogen without the progesterone to keep it in check.

[slight tangent - The doctor actually went into a bit of detail about estrogen that I appreciated. He said that estrogen makes us feel like EVERYthing is connected, and EVERYthing means something. EVERYTHING. Progesterone balances out that feeling and helps our brains filter out what is actually connected and what isn't. Women have higher levels of estrogen than men, and one of the ways our brains learn to deal with that essentially shows itself as 'women's intuition'. So at that dinner party you went to where you, the wife, noticed that 2 people were giving each other eyes all night and then made excuses to leave at the same time and that lead you to likely rightly conclude that they're enjoying some boom-boom together, yet your husband noticed none of it - that's the woman's higher levels of estrogen, helping her notice and put stuff together that her male counterpart is less likely to notice. Unfortunately it can also lead us to assume things mean stuff that they don't, assigning meaning and connection where none lies.]

As for what my doc and I have done about it and how it's working:

On top of exercise, mediation, a high dose of vitamin D, and instructions to eat foods that help with progesterone production and limit foods that stimulate estrogen production, I started on a low dose of progesterone cream, and did that for 1 month to see how an entire cycle was on this dose. Then I went back to the doc and reported on how much better I felt. I said, "about 50% back to normal." So, he upped the dose from 1 pump of cream a night to 2 and added folic acid.

I've now had about a month and a half on this higher dose, and I'd say 90% of the time I feel myself again, and most of that other 10% of the time I'm mostly ok.

But I will say, even when I say I feel ok, sometimes I can still feel or hear the anxiety, but like its in the next room talking loudly but muffled instead of in this room with me and in charge. Its a very strange sensation.

So my anxiety and emotional roller coaster ride were the main things that needed and got some control. As for other symptoms, I do occasionally get hot flashes, but not often now. I don't sleep as well as I did when I was younger, and find myself a lot more often seeking the comfort and safety of my own home, small social things, and the peace of solitude vs. going out or to big parties. I've not yet identified any one thing that triggers any of it; though I know that some women find alcohol or caffeine or such can make symptoms much worse. I will say that exercise is really great. It doesn't make the hot flashes go away (I had one a few weeks ago that started in the pool and didn't stop until I was out and most the way through my weight machine routine) however the endorphins do rock as a weapon against the anxiety.

As for the future, what I believe to be true is that I'll just keep watching my body closely, discuss with my doc and adjust the progesterone cream as needed if needed, and then reformulate a plan once my ovaries decide to retire and my estrogen starts to go down too. I'm guessing as that happens I'll get to wean off the progesterone cream.

But then comes the other stuff - my body dealing with not having the estrogen it is used to, and based on what things hit me I decide if I put some estrogen back into me. Shiny hair, smooth skin, no dark facial hair, a vagina that easily gets moist and is nice and elastic inside, a clit that stands up to be counted when it matters - all those things can go away with lack of estrogen.

So there you have it. Them's the details of my trip so far.

For you still-menstruating women reading this, I remind you that we each get to go on our own trip. I do however think it is very important for us to talk about it and share our experiences, simply so that we're more aware of what is going on with each other and with our own selves, and it serves as a reminder to be gentle and forgiving with ourselves. This does happen, is happening, it is real, and I can't stop it or turn it off. I can only look for ways to survive the ride.

• J.A.: Is there alternatives to mares urine when it comes t hormone cream? i'm not there yet so i haven't done the research.
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• N.E.: I was taking "bio-identical" estradiol combined with testosterone in pill form, which seemed to work fine with few issues, but then was discontinued in the US so I took just estradiol. I tried testosterone cream which didn't do anything, but that may have been because I didn't have a conscientious doctor like Susanne does.
• I discontinued HRT a few years ago; still get hot flashes but they've subsided quite a bit. I recently had a scary emotional/physical situation which turned out to be a really low thyroid level, so make sure to get that checked too. There's some disagreement about what the normal ranges are, so do the research, try treatment, listen to your body and decide for yourself what works. best.

• I.B.:  How have your energy levels been? You mention that exercise has been effective for making you feel better, but is it harder? Or harder to begin exercise (maybe even as a result of wanting to be more at home)? Do you have the same strength and stamina as before? Curious minds want to know...
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• Susanne: Physical strength and stamina, not really a problem. However I don't sleep as well (wake up very early in the morning and can't get back to sleep right away) and almost any moment of the day I'd happily shut my eyes and head straight to nap land. If I could sleep from 8pm till 3 am, then from 5am till 8am, that would rock. So it's more a matter of regular lack of sleep teamed with less mental energy for life-stuff and the social anxiety that can come with it all equalling a kind of fatigue. But not in a physically weak way like I think you mean.
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• M.S.: My perimenopause is going differently than Susanne's - I'm not having the emotional upheaval but the hot flashes have been extremely annoying. I'm now on progesterone cream and it seems to (finally) be kicking in. I totally agree on the exercise portion of this advice. I've been going to a gym several times a week and its been helping me focus on better health, but more importantly it tires me out enough to sleep through most of night. Normally I'm wakiing up 3-5 times due to hot flashes.

Menopause Resort (better name needed)

These first few entries are copied from Facebook and emails in an effort to keep the thought stream together.  I've left the comments that I think specifically add to the discussion, and substituted initials for names.  If you recognize a comment of yours and don't want it here, please let me know and I'll remove it asap.

Facebook post:

Ladies, I’m dreaming up what a perfect retreat/resort would be for menopausal women. Here is what I've got so far [with a first round of suggestions added]. Give me your ideas, either problems to solve or solutions you see, and I’ll work them into the list.

1. Though this isn't a nude resort, women are welcome to suddenly throw off as many of their clothes as they would like at anytime, anywhere in the resort.

2. There are ‘cool-off’ stations located all around the resort with ice cold beverages, cool wet wash cloths, and hand fans. Also, the glasses for the beverages will be kept in small freezers at the stations.There are also several large walk-in coolers in different areas of the resort available for guest enjoyment and relaxation.

3. An entire third of the public areas of the resort are a ‘no-talk’ zone. If women are in this area, they don’t want to be spoken with, unless you’re delivering to them chocolate, cocktails, tea, fruit, an ice cold beverage and a fan, etc.

4. All women are given a round disk that is green on one side and red on the other, to pin on their shirt when they start to cry to indicate to others around what should be done. Use it green side out to indicate someone you know should hug you immediately, and keep hugging you until you tap them on the shoulder to indicate they can stop. Use it red side out if everyone should leave you alone and completely ignore you and your crying until you’re done and cleaned up. In no case should anyone run up and ask, “Whats wrong?” and expect any non-self-deprecating answer that makes.

5. There is no set assumed awake and asleep time. All amenities are available 24 hours a day, and attendees are encouraged to get sleep according to whatever schedule their body dictates.

6. There is a gym with a lap pool, lots of cardio equipment, weights and weight machines, a yoga instructor always on call, a bunch of boxing gloves and punching bags, and no mirrors anywhere except in the bathrooms over the sinks.

7. Korean spa facilities. Need I say more?

8. All private room bathrooms and the public women’s restrooms are stocked with tons of Kleenex, and extra tampons of every size. The private rooms also have plenty of “personal lubrication” in the end tables, and a vanity stocked with water/tear proof eye makeup, [ADDED:] and various hair removal products. The bath products are geared towards healthier older skin, and more lush more full hair.

9. It is against resort rules to ever mention anyone’s baggy eyes. However, there are cucumber and tea-bag “eye-refresher treatments” that can be delivered to you and applied anywhere in the resort.

10. No activities have last-minute cancellation penalty fees. If at any moment you decide to change your plans, you can without judgment or penalty.

11. Sheet service. Several extra sets of sheets are kept in private room closets. If at any time guests would like the staff to provide sheet service, ring housekeeping and we'll send someone right over. Guests can also request 'invisible sheet service', such that the staff slips in and out on their own to change the sheets while the guest stays in another room.

12. Firmness-adjustable beds.

13. Individual heating/cooling controls in private rooms.

14. Many therapy animals.

Hey, Lets Keep Talking.

These first few entries are copied from Facebook and emails in an effort to keep the thought stream together.  I've left the comments that I think specifically add to the discussion, and substituted initials for names.  If you recognize a comment of yours and don't want it here, please let me know and I'll remove it asap.

Facebook post:

I'm going to keep talking about my menopause experiences. As this all first started I couldn't believe what a disruption it's been to my life yet how little talk there is out there about it even though over half the world's population goes through it themselves and most of the other half will be effected as they try to help support someone they love go through it. As it's progressed, I've realize why there is relatively such little talk: embarrassment. Some of this is fucking embarrassing. I used to feel strong and very grounded, peaceful inside. Now I feel a mess and hate how often I wear a mask or hide in my hole for fear of letting the people around me see what is actually going on with me at any given moment of rollercoaster. And that doesn't even touch on some of the physical things that will happen later that will make the women gasp to find out about, let-alone the men.

So, I'm embarrassed, and that's why I'm going to keep talking about it.

A pre-menopause morning:

There is a core in me that is still "me", and sometimes that me is strong and loud and all I am and feel. That is the me I recognize, the me I want to be for me, the me I want to be as I participate in the world with you all. That me got right out of bed this morning, got dressed, and is ready to go to work and rock it; that me has plans to do some good work today, and then have a great evening working out and spending time with my lovely husband.

Then there is this other "me" that keeps showing up. Its like my hormones got together with the pit of my stomach, a small but very loud portion of my brain, and the outer-most 2 inches of my body all the way around, and decided to be a different me. That me feels physical and mental anxiety when everything in my life is otherwise peachy. It feels shaky, unfocused, insecure, and unsafe. That me requires most of my mental energy to keep in check when she shows up. That me wanted to hide under the covers this morning, wanted to ask my husband to please just hug me and pet my hair and tell me all the reasons he loves me and that everything will be ok; that me has felt physically shaky and nauseous all morning. That me has mentally circled back over and over all morning to negative thought patterns, obsessing over things in the past or that I have no control over. That me wants to cry right now. That me loathes the idea of going to work and spending all day trying to be quiet and hold perfectly still so no one sees me under the mask I'll wear.

Meanwhile the other me is in there screaming at the top of my mental lungs, "What the fuck do you think you're doing? Who the fuck are you being??? Stop this and go get living life! What do you mean 'I can't stop?' Fuck you, go away!"

I'm trying hard to just open and accept this all for what it is, be where I'm at and don't fight it, accpet the feelings and emotions when they come, and to love myself through all of this. But our society isn't one that excuses women from their lives just because they are hitting The Change, nor is it one that is very comfortable with a cubicle-farm worker sitting at her desk crying off and on all day in view of all the other cubicle-farm workers. Maybe I just need my own office until this is done. I'm only sort of joking.

That other me isn't always here; that other me has been here far less now that I've got a doctor that believes me and isn't just shoving Zoloft at me. However as my hormone levels keep changing, I have to chase the correct level of hormone cream to use.

Some days are great, some days that other me only shows up for a little while. Some days I can make that other me go away with something as simple as a phone call from a best friend, or a nap. I'm hoping today is one of those days.

I'm also thinking its time to adjust my dosage. Ring ring, oh Doctor?!

Women - add this to the list of intensities we live during our lives because we get to bear the children.

Men - be extra nice to the women in your life who might be going through this shit. Hug them a lot; forgive them a lot. They don't want it to be like this either.

PS - to those of you who haven't yet experienced this, take heart that every woman's trip down menopause lane is different. Listen to all the stories but know that not ALL of what you hear others go through will be on your personal list of joys to experience. You get your very own personalized trip to figure out as you go. Aren't you excited?

• M.S.: Like Sharon said, you are not going through this alone. And I despite the fact that I seem to announce everytime I have a hot flash, I really, REALLY get that feeling of embarrassment. I also feel gobsmacked at the fact that my body is aging and changing in ways I had never really anticipated.
• F.E. That was exactly me before my hysterectomy and I continue to struggle with at in waves since, but being on HRT helps. The creams just never were enough for me. I have an estrogen patch and I take testosterone pills which still aren't necessarily the right dose. It is a constand trying to figure it out. Hang in there...we will make it out the other side.
• P.P.:  I appreciate you sharing your experience a lot. Being raised by wolves and all, the she-wolf is completely tight lipped about anything woman related. I know that my mom has gone through menopause only because I've noticed that she no longer stocks tampons in her bathroom drawers. I went through puberty completely blindfolded and found out about sex through french lit. It's comforting to know that there are ladies in my community I can turn to, so thank you again for sharing and opening up this topic.
• S.C.:In many ways this time of life should be when you are hitting your stride. If you have kids--they are probably getting older or moving out, your career may be relatively developed, you should be pretty confident in your skin etc. Then you get hit by this hormonal roller coaster which turns you on your ass and makes you doubt everthing! And the sleep disruption is like the cruel icing on the cake. I'm kinda mad about it actually. Like I've been busting my ass to get here--only to go crazy now?? Fuck off!
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• L.N.:I hate menopause, I hate feeling like a yoyo, I hate the feeling of mortality which I keenly feel most of the time. You know we live in a world where there is an industry devoted to women not aging , not being fat, not having grey hair. In no way does this help women. It is this constant message, I get really overwhelmed by it. I have/had this idea in my head that I'm kinda bad ass and can handle anything (my life has taught me this) but, the internal dialog is too rough. Thanks for the posting the unspoken. Sending estrogen fill  candy your way.
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• M.S.: Though going through my mid-forties (as a man) was hell on my psyche also: clinical depression & a host of issues that are very complex - questions about sex & drive - near full reliance on pecker-uppers to make me feel like a man. All this while my partner was/is going through her own change. Getting old is not for the faint of heart!
• C.B.:  Another reason why female managers help make life easier for women employees. My mom was a manager, and she tells of one meeting with three women and a man. She noticed the women getting flushed and so was she, even though it was a pretty normal, friendly meeting. She said, "are we all having hot flashes?" And they all got to be open about their feelings and flushed body language.
• Y.S.: Thank you!!! The difficulties that are peri-menopause are rarely talked about and have wreaked havoc on my life as well. Even the mystical oracle of interwebz is low on info about the true nature of this awkward spectacle we experience. The emotional aspects are more challenging than the physical even though sometimes the physical parts keep me from everyday activities. I suffer from emo rage where I am crying one minute and wanna choke-slap someone the next. I have never been this angry person and I really don't know who I am lately. Social anxiety has crept in too! I hate the self doubt and lack of confidence I am experiencing. I also despise not knowing when my cycle will hit, for how long, or how intense. The flashes have been minimal since I've been taking black cohosh.
• Self care has been challenging and I just want to be held and petted while I eat dark chocolate and drink red wine. I've noticed cannabis helps, too. A doctor friend of mine is doing a research project on it.
• E.V.W.: My dear - you are such a courageous warrior! No one believed me when I started on this journey ten years ago, but I knew what was happening as I started grad school while working full time, attended TBEITD for the first time, and my white-picket fence life exploded in love and dissolved in doctorate, divorce, and depression. Dr. Northrup's book The Wisdom of Menopause was my only support and touchstone. I often refer to all this as going thru puberty backwards, losing all the trappings of growing up to embrace the power of growing down into a forgotten freedom.
• I.B.: Thank you so much for your menopause posts. I've been dreading it since watching my mother go through it over thirty years ago, when it was so bad she became extremely religious, to my horror.
• I have asked my sisters who are 15 years ahead of me, but only receive cringing, "you'll see!" responses.
• Knowledge is power, but no, I'm not excited.
• D.K.:  I'm coming out the other side of all of this and reading what you've written I realize a lot of what I was going through I did not recognize as peri-menopausal symptoms. It's really a good thing for you to put this out there so openly. Thank you.
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  J.B.: I know exactly how you feel to a T. I thought I could fight it or make it go away, even ignore it, but this is Me now and I have to accept that. I have a good doctor and I'm not afraid to go to her to take some of the edge off of the anxiety, the lack of sex drive/motivation, and just deal with the general slings and arrows of getting older. In a world that reveres carefree youth so much it is tough to watch gravity take over my body, my energy diminish, and this angry bitch who doesn't want to do anything emerge.
• The drugs help calm the anxiety, the motorcycle helps me feel accomplished, and being gentle and understanding with myself helps for my overall well being. But nothing stops The Change and it's time for me to accept and incorporate.
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• R.P.: Not much to say from way over here on the other side of the line except, "nobody asked". Just like with depression it is so good that you and others are talking about this life phase change. We had practically zero knowledge of what was happening or that it was happening to so many of our friends. I remember going through this with [my wife] and we were so blind, and we could have avoided so much pain had we known.
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• N.E.: It's great that you're opening the conversation Susanne! I started in my mid-30s and peaked in mid-40s, to the point of losing a job. And I worked with mostly women who had already been through it, but had very little to say. If only there had been some real, honest conversation - not even doctors were helpful! One thing I've learned - get thyroid levels checked & don't let them just tell you the results are "normal", because there's disagreement about what the normal range is.