November 24, 2014
Email to girlfriends
This shit is whack.
I'm working it out and all, but STILL! Fucking Bullshit.
I'm on the remedies, but still there are daaaaaaaaaaaays!
Today, nothing to cry about, nothing to be anxious about, but I'm jittery and want to cry anyway all day at work. I come home and cheer myself up, listen to the awesome 'be happy' mixtape the man made me, find myself dancing around the kitchen with a smile on my face, only to realize that under the happy I've created my whole body will still happily lie down and sob right now.
Deep breaths.
Back to dancing!
Response:
"Maybe just cry and get it over with?"
Letting it go does help, but only briefly.
That's the fucked part. It's not a thing/thought/mindset to be processed, it's a hormone imbalance. So even when I KNOW there is nothing to be anxious about, and can turn off the desire to turn the Anxiety Light on to things in my life that otherwise deserve no anxiety, I can't turn off the physical or emotional results of my brain thinking its anxious or super sad. The feelings/events that trigger a hormone response in my brain aren't there, but the hormone wash still hits and my brain and body react.
Actually now that I think on it, the times I'm most successful calming my brain down on bad days with direct action (vs some dietary/chemical/life change) is when I've done something that caused the right kind of other chemical event in my brain.
If I get my husband to call me and be super lovey, or if I take a nap, or the time I got a surprise visit at work from an old friend I just love, those sorts of things can flip a switch.
That said, I've been feeling this way this time since Sunday evening. Here's hoping my period starting today is a sign of at least movement through the current cycle and hopefully towards some better balance in my head.
